Very often did Anna use to write about herself as if she was somebody else. Partly because she thought this was really smart, partly because this was not possible to happen to me, and sometimes even because everything seemed to be so imaginary and unreal. Sometimes she did this bacause of boredom, the kind of boredomthat so boring, that it is not possible to happen to me.
Sometimes she didn't even known what to write about, but she really wanted to write it down because it sounded really good in her head. Well... in such cases it happened that she wrote it in the first person, except when she was in this very shy mood (which never happens to me), in which she didn't want to admit that she herself could write really good stuff (in her oppinion). Imagine that she gave this stuff to somebody and he decided this was a total bullshit.
Oh yes, Anna was a really confused girl. I know her since the time she was a little girl. She used to live in a big lonely house, where she was the only one and very sickly child. She never ever went out to play.
The tiles of the floor in her room were painted with clouds. The ceiling was very high with playing children painted on it, happily smiling. If she could she would have painted herself there too, just to be a part of the picture. But the ceiling was too high, so she just layed on the cold cloudy floor staring at it.
As the years were passing by,the ceiling grew higher and higher and Anna slowly went out of her mind... Or maybe not... She'd rather break up into many many little Anna-s creeping around like little droplets of mercury trying to gather in a big mercury puddle.
So Anna fell in love with psychology. She was really attracted by people whose emotional pain has lead them to insanity. She felt compassion for them, she was looking for her own salvation in their salvaition and in the same time this repelled and scared her. And yet she felt this is the only thing she can and she should do.
Moreover, other people's pain distracted her from her own. She saw how people feel better when she talks to them and especially when she listens to them (because, we people, love to be heard). She found sense in doing these things. Sense. This word realy disturbed her since the time she heard the theory that everything around us is an illusion.
So one day she went to practice in an Ana-logy. The Ana-logy is a place (to be more precise, a psychiatry) which was most probably imagined by herself. She called it Ana-logy because everybody there was called Anna (except D'Ani, who was the son of a deceased Anna). So, Ana automatically turned into an Ana-logist.
She created this name, or as said above, maybe she created everything, or maybe everyone of us has created all the others.
So, according to Anna, the Ana-logy seemed to be a place created by herself, full of people created by herself again, who has created many things because of their insanity.
And she like an Analogist should set them free from all their fiction, because in case someone of them (or maybe all of them) imagined her, it was because he needed her help. Or maybe just to try to help them, because not everybody wants to be saved, but there are people, who love to know there is somebody doing all his best to save them. Someone who cares.
It is unlikely that Mire-Ana was the one who had created the Ana-logy. But if so, it was only as a background... and because there should be someone to bury her (but we would be hardly alive after her death if we were only her barinchildren).
Anyway... Mire-Anna was the first patient the Ana-logist met. Everybody called her Mire-Anna because she had a hartwater desease.
A special hartwater desiese, because there, in her mire lived a tiny frog she called Hoppy. She braided a scarf just for him, because:
Life is worth living if there is somebody to whom you would braid a scarf.
Hoppy lived in Mire-Anna's heart and he made her happy by causing her pain.
It hurts - Mire-Anna used to say - but this is how I know he is in my heart. If it didn't hurt I would feel empty.
Thus, she surrounded him with her love, until one day Hoppy disappeared. She got nervous and sad, and he came back again. Hoppy did this over and over again.
But not even once did he take the scarf with himself.
Well, maybe he doesn't like it. - Mire-Anna used to say - And maybe he is tired of me being so anxious about him. Moreover, I'm mad, who loves being around mad people?
One day Hoppy went off for the last time. Mire-Anna was so afraid of the void he left, that she decided to find him and never separate with him again.
Heve you seen my little frog? - She asked D'Ani.
I love you - He answered.
But his love to her didn't mean anything and she continued searching for Hoppy. She found him near the swamp in the yard and the Ana-logist found her there. She was lying pale with her eyes open and a little frog leg was moving in her mouth.
We pulled Hoppy, the killer, out of her mouth, but she was already dead.And this wasn't even her real heartwater frog. The real one could not kill her. It was only exhausting her heart. It was only keeping it hungry. And it also needed to be fed, so that it would be able to provide food for all the hungry for blood cells.
In fact, Mire-Anna's chest pain was caused namely by the inability of the heart to be fed. When she was full with love and happiness her heart worked better and the pain vanished. But as soon as she became sad again, rapidly her heart became hungry. This happened over and over again until the day she decided to never let go her heartwater frog.
Everything would end much better if Mire-Anna's love was for her own heart (and not for Hoppy, who she imagined herself) and she ate more parsnip (a plant rich of coumarins and many other substances with vasodilatory effect, i.e. they feed the heart). But this of course was only possible if she herself imagined it.
No... Mire-Anna could hardly imagine something bigger than Hoppy and her own death. She was one of those Anna-s who were closed in their own room chasing their own insanity.
(* author's note: there is a science, which considers physical problems as hidden emotional ones named psychosomatics)
Only the Analogist and D'Anny were able to enter every room in the psychiatry. Anna-because this was her duty as an Analogist, and D'Anny -because nobody could stop him. She was trying to help them, to heal them,and D'Anny - he was only loving them. Very often did Anna wonder if she was needless (feeling needless in your own fantasy is not very pleasant feeling) and wouldn't she be more useful if she grew some parsnip instead of explaining, giving advices and so on... What did mentally sick people need the most- to be treated,or only to be loved and accepted the way they are?... So everything shows that it is pretty likely that D'Anny should be the one who had imagined the psychiatry.
D'Anny had come here many years ago with his mother. He was normal and healthy boy and she... you bet she was not. She had allowed only him to be by her side, so he had made the decision to take care of her. When old Anna had died, he hadn't know what else he could do but inherit her madness and her pills.
D'Anny was absolutely sure that his mother had reincarnated into some kind of insect, that layed eggs in his brain folds and all the Anna-s in the psychiatry hatched there (here the scintists' theory is very similar to a mad person's one).
I love the psychiatry - D'Anny used to say-every one of you is so real,so close to me as if you were carved by my own imagination...
Of course D'Anny loved the Analogist, too. She also was an Anna. Moreover she was the only Anna, who entered his room to speak with him about himself. Not that it mattered, because again talks revolved around the Anna-s. He admired their madness, he loved it and he was inspired by it (in other words-he was mad about it).
When he heard that Mire-Anna was dead, D'Anny suffered a lot. He almost exclaimed
How mournful and beautiful at the same time!
Some days later he found Hoppy crushed by some car tires. D'Anny took it, dried his body up and herbarized it between his notebook's sheets. Below he wrote:
Heartwater frogs live in swamps of stagnant blood.
Thus he would remember not only Mire-Anna's death but the mournful beauty he had created (of course, he felt a little bit of smugness, too, because everyone would be a little smug when creating something bautiful, even if it's mournful).
3. Little Anna
One day a new patient came in the psychiatry. Anna hadn't visit her yet, so she went to her room. She opened the door and entered. Everything there was sky and clouds. She looked up - the lawn with the playing children was still there.
So this is where she has ended... - Anna thought
Little Anna came from behind of a cloud.
Hi - she said - My name is Anna
Hi - The Analogist answered - My name is also Anna. I am a psychologist and I am here to help you.
Hm...Mommy meets me with so many psychologists... They are talking too much.
They say I have a huge imagination, that there are no clouds, no lawn, that evetything is just a picture! They also say to be more careful, because I risk hitting my nose in the wall...But I am not that stupid! As soon as I see a wall I would walk around it. But there are none!
Me either. - said the Analogist
It was true, trere were no walls, and the door dissappeared after Anna had closed it. Now both of them were stuck in the same hallucination and no one could save them!
Hm... Can you take me to the lawn, please? It is so high and I want to play so much!I have never played because of my condition. Mommy says I've got a condition.
I don't know how to take you there,I'm afraid...We'd have to think about this.
So the Ana-logist started to think... She thought about so many things but she didn't have the slightest idea how to get rid of this situation. Of course, there will be someone who will come and open the door (which they could not see), but he would hardly take little Ana to the lawn or bring the Ana-logist back to normal life.
Well done! Now I got stuck in my own world, where I shall be crammed with pills!
But while she was busy with getting angry with herself, someone opened the door. D'Anny appeared He broke into the room to meet the incoming patient (who, of course, had hatched from his brain folds).
Hello, Anna. - He said.
How do you know my name? - Little Anna asked.
Well, everybody here are called Anna. How did you get here.
(Of course, he knew how she got here, but it was always interesting to know their version...)
Mommy brought me.
Oh, yes...We all end up here thanks to our mothers. But what is wrong with you? You are so innocent and young...
I'm here, because I have a condition. I see clouds and I don't see any walls.
How beautiful... - D'Ani exclaimed and little Ana started to weep.
No! It is not beautiful at all! It is so boring and lonely! Only clouds and psycologists!
Please, Anna, please stop crying... Look, here we ALL fly through clouds.
Anna started to cry even harder. The fact that they ALL fly through the clouds didn't make her feel better, the sky was still boring and lonely
But you don't want this, right? Wait, please, don't cry!... The walls, you don’t see them, right? If you ask me walls don't matter at all!... I will help you, you hear me? Please, don't cry!
So D'Anny took us both by the hand and took us to the playground. The other day I was released from the psychiatry.
WE were released, or more precisely- I released US. Because all of them are alive, they exist. And we must learn how to share the same body. Because all of us summed up(because we are more than the Anna's described here) make one Anna on n-th degree who has a really huge variety of points of view that change all the time, depending on the mood, the amount of light penetrating the room,the PMS...and you name it. Because, like D'Anny says:
Everything depends both on the circustances and ourselves. Only the rates vary.
And when this doesn't make me sad, I would say, it is interesting.
should I plant,
Or should I go mad
One more time...
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